My dad got balls to the wall drunk as fuck tonight. When we weren’t looking, he scurried into his van and tried to park it in the driveway. He was about 6 inches away from smashing into the side of the house. Even after seeing this photograph, he claims he was “barely off, only by a bit”. I think you can pretty much see his drunken swagger as he tried to walk back into the house. Other terrible things that occurred this evening:
- He harassed my brother’s new girlfriend about not eating ribs. She has a stomach disease.
- My mother is technically responsible for liquoring him up, she came to dinner tonight and basically plied him with alcohol. He spent the meal snapping at her, whistling, and calling her a “sexy fox”. My parents have been divorced for about 15 years. I want to die.
- He almost tripped up the steps to the house, and managed to stomp on my foot.
- He had to climb on his hands and knees up the basement stairs.
- After helping my niece’s fiance attach a trailer to his vehicle, he proceeded to lick the dirt off his hands as I begged him to go back inside and sleep. He refused.
- The moment I managed to get him into his room, I offered to help him into bed and he slammed the door in my face. He emerged about 15 minutes later.
- He claimed he was “noott druuUUnnk” and could pass any sobriety test.
- He told me I’m his favorite child. In front of my sister.
- At one point, when one of us asked him to sleep, he simply yelled, “I’M ENJOYING MY LIIIIIIIIFE!”
- After my mom left, he sat me down and explained to me that my mother is a “stunningly perfect woman, the most beautiful woman in the world”.
- He also tried to get me to take off the first week of school because he heard the lineup for TIFF and he wants to go. “ITT”S SOOOO GOOD IT’LL NEVER BE THIS GOOD AGAIN PLEEEEEEEAAASSSEE!!!!”
So, yeah, not a successful evening.